The only way I could function without being myself was to imagine my true self.  I was always just a mental image. A picture that I never truly paid attention to, nor thought much of. Every situation would also project in my head with the true version of myself in it when I was in a male body. Crossing a road, entering a room, having a conversation with a friend, or any situation you can think of, was always playing in my head. Imagining what it would be like if I was to be my true self.

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I have tried to let this picture come out onto the surface as well by putting female clothes on my male body, however, it never felt complete. Part of me was happy, but there was still something missing. I wanted my body to shape the clothes. Alternatives such as filling up the breast area or using fake hips wasn’t an option for me. It was more than just a feminine look I was after. I was searching for myself.

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Am I transgender? I asked myself. The thought of it scared me at first. It felt like the world around me was collapsing. I was still carrying the shame from my childhood trauma. It was too early for me to even comprehend such information. Questioning it and starting to pay more attention to the image in my head lead to profound observations of my feelings and body.

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The observation of my body was the most noticeable when dating. Despite trying, I couldn’t get fully intimate with guys. Something always stopped me from having penetrated sex, however getting into a relationship changed that, although it took me a while to be intimate. A lot of effort and energy went into it at my expense. It felt like I was constantly carrying a heavy load on my shoulders. After we broke up, I started experimenting more, however, sex didn’t feel “fluid”. It felt like I was following a script, or a manual to achieve the finished product, an orgasm. I had to learn how to use the body I was assigned with at birth which took away from the organic experience it should have been. My body was stiff whenever I was the one receiving pleasure. Physically I felt like they were touching me in the wrong places. Positions and body movements felt like putting two puzzles together that do not fit. So, I never truly experienced sex in its entirety. 

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I used to act in some small acting roles here in Sydney. I remember preparing for a role and imagining the appearance, demeanour, and mannerisms of a character. Once the director yelled “action” I initiated my act however as soon as I imagined the male version of me acting it, I stuttered and was left speechless. Trying to bring out the character I prepared for got pulled back once it hit the surface of the male body. I did not recognise myself when I saw myself on screen. The body language, the voice, and the overall demeaner of this male body did not match what I was expecting to see. Imagine playing Tetris and not being able to match the shapes in the right order. The overall impression you get is, mismatched shapes and an unsatisfactory feeling. That is how I felt looking at myself acting on the screen.

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When you live in Sydney you frequently see members from the LGBTQIA+ community. I remember seeing a transgender woman for the first time in my life. A Gravitational pull emerged from within my chest towards them like there was something they held that I needed. I have never managed to muster enough courage to approach and talk to them. When I saw them leave, I felt like I was missing out on an opportunity.

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Growing up, I never had a role model to look up to or compare myself to. The closest thing I came to was a man dressed as a woman in a comedy sketch. It was perceived as a joke. “Is that what I am? A joke?” I used to ask myself. So, seeing a transgender woman simply living her life changed everything for me. I felt enlightened. The feeling of an opportunity to happily live my life struck through my body. 

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All these experiences sped up the processing of my thoughts. I had to let them out and so I started talking to my friends about it. Doing so repeatedly made me realise a lot of things and helped me identify my gender. It awoke me. I am finally not just a picture in my head. I see myself. I am a little figure, a girl, growing from within the core of this male’s body. I look up. I am breathing. I am alive. I am.

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By this point I knew I needed further help. I started seeing a psychologist so I could process my thoughts better and get a professional point of view. With each appointment, I started growing taller and taller inside the body. Once everything clicked together and made sense, I was the size of this male’s body. This wall was still in my way. I had to keep going. I wanted to pierce through this skin to be seen by everyone. At this point I knew I wanted to start hormonal replacement therapy.