I wanted to be “normal”. I just wanted to feel accepted and to fit in. I started paying more attention to the physical me and expressing myself accordingly to its role in the society. It was exhausting. Constantly controlling the way you appear to other people really takes it out of you.

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I used to have long-ish hair. Think Justin Bieber style. It was part of the physical me I liked the most. However, it was not always received positively, as I had hoped. When it became too long for a boy's haircut, I was told it was time to cut it. Because of my soft facial features, it made me appear more feminine, which I liked; however, for some people, it appeared as a joke.

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One day we went on a school trip to a museum. There was a group of guys from another school. They stared at me and laughed at my appearance. They said I looked like a woman. Anxiety hit my chest and my heartbeat went up as I could feel the psychological me being exposed and portraited as a joke. Their words felt like my chest was being ripped open. I suddenly felt powerless. Like all the energy I used to just live the physical me, was wasted. Thank f*ck we were getting out of that room in the next moment.

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Primary school was not always easy. It was the time when I had to prove what was expected of me (physical self). Especially when we were playing soccer in PE class. Soccer was a game where you could prove you were a man. What kind of man are you if you can't play? I wished something would happen before the class started so I wouldn't have to go. On the outside, I appeared calm, but anxiety was coursing through my veins. I was, however, fortunate for my classmates. They were great, and I am thankful to those who made my primary school times better

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Speaking of my classmates, we would have a lot of pretty girls in my class. I have always admired how beautiful they are and wished I had more similar body to theirs. Many times, I would imagine shapeshifting myself into one of them when I would be casually walking through the streets. I would imagine the way I would walk, move my hands and what clothes I would be wearing. It felt peaceful.

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High school was a better experience. Because it was a Christian high school, I met nicer people outside of my class as well. This change made me sort of forget about the negative interactions I have had experienced through my life. My anxiety towards PE lessons remained the same. I wanted to avoid them and so I did a little something. Long story short, I pretended my knees hurt until my mom took me to an orthopaedic, where I exaggerated the pain and I was excused from PE for a year. I was just assigned some exercises I had to do on my own. You cannot imagine the relief I felt when it happened. However, it did only last a year. I then had to attend the regular PE lessons with my other male classmates. Anxiety came back with it and the way I would avoid the class would be lying to my professor saying I was feeling sick or that I forgot my change of clothes. However, the boys at this school were different. They weren’t as judgemental and so when we did play soccer, the anxiety was more manageable compared to the times in primary school. It has never completely disappeared, but I felt it less than during primary school.

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I also had a crush on one guy in our high school. We all knew he liked one particular girl, however. I always wished I was her. I remember going on a school trip and he bought her a gift for her birthday. We left them in a room alone and we all just spread out. I remember thinking how much I wanted to be that girl in the room. I knew, however, I was never going to be perceived as a girl in the eyes of that boy.

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Mass sessions in high school did not help me discover my true self either. Homosexuality was shameful. However having more positive social experiences led me to believe that I might be able to change my sexual orientation solely using my mind. When I think back to that time, it makes me laugh. I remember once during a mass, we were supposed to write down on a piece of paper something we wanted Jesus to take off our shoulders. 'I don't want to be gay,' I wrote. I hope you're all laughing because this makes me laugh. Not the action, but my arrogance in believing I can change the core of who I am. Of course nothing has changed.

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One thing that stayed with me from childhood was this sense of my own journey coming soon. It was this feeling that one day I was going to leave everything behind and get to truly know myself. This sense of journey also had a place in mind. It was Australia. I remember once during geography lesson in primary school, we started talking about it and I could not stop thinking about it since then. It was my hope. Hope for a better life. I painted the shape of Australia on my wall and wrote “All I have is a dream” above. I envisioned myself walking through the streets of Australia; simply sitting on the beach and feeling the warm sun on my skin.

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Overall, I would appear to be happy during my adolescence. But that didn't mean I was happy internally. My mental health would suffer as a result of the charade I was putting on every day. I felt a deep sadness that I couldn't understand or identify where it was coming from. There were nights when I would cry for no apparent reason. I was lucky enough not to be alone on those nights. I will be eternally grateful to my friend Nika, who was always there for me no matter what.